On Tick-Tock especially and all over social media, there are a lot of conversations about estrangement between parents and adult children. Adult children are sharing their stories, why they decided to go no contact and the impact this decision has had on their mental health and relationships. On the flip-side, parents whose adult-children are no contact, are also talking about their experiences. Some are sharing that they felt blindsided and confused because they have no idea what would lead their adult child to cut them off.
As a relationship therapist for almost a decade, who primarily works with millennials and older Gen Z, I want to share my experience. I want to preface this by saying my experience is solely based on the clients I have been so fortunate to work with and it will not be the experience of all.
In my clinical experience, adult-children don’t wake up one day and out of the blue decide they will emotionally orphan themselves. There’s always a reason and usually a variety of reasons that have been long standing. The adult children I work with have fought hard for their relationship with their parent. They are in therapy, they are learning how to empathize, they are developing better communication skills, they are working on boundary setting, they are practicing acceptance, and so much more– all with the hope that they can have some form of a healthy relationship with their parent.
A relationship is composed of two. No matter what changes the adult child implements, if the parent is unwilling to listen, take accountability, respect boundaries, or make any semblance of a change—nothing will improve.
Eventually, adult children become exhausted from swimming against the current. They see how their relationship with their parent negatively impacts their mental health, other relationships, and life in general. That is when they may decide that estrangement is the best choice.
Please, know that for my clients it has never been the preferred choice. Many hold on to the hope of reconciliation.
If you are a parent whose adult child has chosen estrangement, I encourage you to reflect on the dynamic of your relationship from early childhood until the last time you spoke. Consider where their pain may be coming from. What could have been so painful that they have chosen to emotionally orphan themselves?
Adult children may make the painful choice to go no contact if:
A parent is actively using drugs or abusing alcohol, and their usage impacts the way they show up for their adult child. Say that dad is unable to control his drinking and misses out on graduations or makes a scene at a wedding, and is always asking for money to fund his addiction.
A parent is engaging excessively in gambling. Perhaps mom gambles her savings and now is constantly asking for money or maybe even stealing from you to pay her bills and fund her gambling addiction.
A parent exhibits violent behaviors. Think of anger and rage. Breaking items and/or physically hurting their adult-child. Let’s say in a moment of rage your dad breaks your laptop.
A parent denies an adult child’s reality. Perhaps you share with you mom that the way she spoke about your body growing up and still does, has impacted your relationship with your body, food, and exercise. You try to set boundaries around conversations regarding weight, food consumption, and workouts. Mom continuously violates those boundaries and takes no accountability, even denies that you are struggling with disordered eating or body dysmorphia.
A parent disapproves of who the adult is as a person or who they chose as a partner. Perhaps you grew up in a highly religious home, now you are an adult and you have decided to no longer partake in the religion taught at home. Mom insists that you need to be part of this religion and be fully engaged in it. Mom tells you everytime she sees you that you will burn in hell otherwise. Mom is not respecting your adult decision to not follow her religion. This is not about mom being in agreement, it’s about respect and understanding that adult children are not the extension of their parents. Similarly, if you chose to marry someone outside your culture and let’s say dad won’t allow this person in the family home and refuses to attend your wedding.
A parent lies, withholds information, and/or steals. This one is straight to the point, because we would not condone this in any other relationship.
A parent is verbally aggressive and hurtful. This would be a parent that yells, uses a condescending tone, puts their adult child down, attacks their character, and says painful things with the intention to cause emotional pain.
A parent who fails to recognize the ways in which they have failed their adult child. Let’s say you are vulnerable with mom and share that you were sexually abused by a family friend when you were a child. You hope for mom to be empathetic and to take responsibility for not protecting you. Mom fails to see that her responsibility is to believe you and as a child it was also to protect you. She might blame you or other external factors for the abuse. But will fail to see her role in it. Not just in preventing it, but also in creating a safe space for you to have shared when it happened.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but I find these to be the most common. Exceptions will always exist: some people will tolerate these dynamics even if they are hurtful and the parent does not make any efforts. Others will choose to end their relationship with their parent for atypical reasons.
If you have decided to go no contact with your parent, I hope that your experience is validated by this blog post, as a lot of the discourse online can be triggering and re-traumatizing.
If you are a parent reading this and have a relationship with your child, I hope this blog inspires you to think about what you can do to strengthen your relationship. No parent will ever be prefect and most adult children know this, and they also know parents can make efforts to be better.
If you are a parent who has been cut off, I know this most be painful for you too. Lots of emotions may be coming up. I hope you use this to reflect on your role in the situation and don't lose the hope for reconciliation, while knowing well that to rebuild the relationship you will have to do a lot of uncomfortable work.
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